Comedians love talking to people, it is literally our jobs. If you have questions or want to talk after shows, then absolutely, go for it, almost all of us are super friendly people and enjoy a good conversation. But after countless family gatherings and talking to people from the crowd, we begin to hear the same few bothersome questions and statements over and over again. Now keep in mind that most people who we talk to after shows are truly awesome, but we wouldn’t be staying true to our profession if we didn’t talk about the things that annoyed us, now would we?

8. What do you talk about in your act?

First off, don’t refer to what a comedian does as any of the following: your act, routine, skit, or sketch. Also, this question should be avoided because it is really just too hard to answer and nobody ever seems to be satisfied with the answer “a lot of stuff”.  

7. I bet you’re going to talk about this on stage

Whenever something happens that can be construed as an awkward situation in the presence of a comedian, people like to assume that it will end up being worked into a bit that the comedian tells on stage. Well, yeah, sometimes that happens, but most of the time, what just happened wasn’t THAT funny. Plus, if what just happened is worthy of making its way into a joke, odds are that we don’t want you to know about it.

6. Have you heard the joke….?

Yes, yes we have. When you dedicate your life to jokes and joke telling, you hear quite a few jokes. If you have ever pitched a joke to a comedian and they have been really into it, odds are that you’re attractive, which in that case, feel free to say anything on this list.

5. You should be a comedian

If you already know that the person who you are saying this to is a comedian, then this will sound super condescending. If you say it after they say something that isn’t funny, then you probibly meant it as a jab at them, which is admitely a good insult. But if you say it after they actually do say something funny, then it sounds like you may be poking fun at their life choice and suggesting that being a comedian isn’t a serious job, which it is, some of us even have health insurance.

4. “I’m not racist….but”

If you have ever started a sentence with these words, then yeah, you probably are. As Anthony Jeselnik said, when someone tells him a racist joke after a show, thinking that he will enjoy it, it makes him wonder what part of his set made them think that he was actually racist.

3. I have got to tell you about….

“You have GOT to hear about/meet my crazy uncle, he will give you a ton of material” is something that I hear every couple of weeks. But here is the thing, most audiences don’t know your crazy uncle, so hearing about the time he gave the waitress a high five when he had glue on his hand probably won’t have the same effect on a room of strangers as it did when you heard about it.

2. you should tell a joke about me

Trust me, you don’t want that.

1.  Tell me a joke.

“You’re a comedian? Tell me a joke.” This is wrong on two different levels. First, most standup jokes don’t work if it’s just one person telling them to another person. Secondly, you wouldn’t meet a musician and force them to sing you a song. And if you would, then maybe you’re probably not very fun at parties.